See? Even here she looks more bored than anything else

Last night, T was working quite late, so I took the opportunity to watch the copy of the Twilight series movie New Moon that had come to the house via Netflix.  No, unfortunately, I can’t say that it got here by mistake.  I ordered it on purpose.

I resisted for a while, but eventually dipped a toe into the Twilight book series, and was immediately submerged.  The first book in particular had me reliving my 9th grade crush, who sat next to me in biology class for half the year and constantly toyed with my affections, to the degree that I almost wrote to the full-grown married man and demanded to know why his hand always ended up on my knee during bio movies, despite his complete disinterest in me at any other time.  (Fortunately, my rational, adult self took over and stopped me.)

The books are addictive, in that they help you relive all those teen angst, romantic entanglement, how-does-he-feel-about-me moments, assuming of course that you were once an insecure teenaged girl who experienced these things.   And the character you are following is rewarded for her efforts with the most ridiculously romantic, chaste, protective, benevolent, undemanding boyfriend you could ever imagine, who also happens to be irresistably sexy when experienced from her point of view.  (NOTHING turns a teenage girl on like the line, “I’m no good for you.”  I know, I remember.)  I’m not saying these books are great literature in any way, shape or form; but they are a guilty pleasure, for a certain kind of person.

In any case, I know the movies do not reproduce this world.  I saw the first one, it was okay.  I decided out of some kind of loyalty to watch the second movie and see how it was.

Eeh.

Well, to be fair, I was knitting a super complicated pattern and making dinner while trying to watch this movie, so I might not have been quite as engaged in it as I could have been.  But while Robert Pattinson does an okay job protraying a tortured and lovestruck immortal, Kristen Stewart just does not have the chops for this role.  She can do scared, determined, anxious, depressed, conflicted — does them all pretty well, in fact — but she really doesn’t pull off madly in love.  And the werewolf?  Yeah, his range is pretty limited too.  She gets up close to these guys, hovering just out of contact, and you’d expect it to be magnetic, but it just isn’t.  She can do desperate and clinging, but not blissful and open.  And, even with the way her character is written, she should have at least a few moments of bliss thrown in.

I know, folks all over the Internet have been saying exactly the same thing about this movie and these actors all along.  So why am I bothering to say it now?  Well, it’s like hearing a rumor about someone, but making sure not to pass it on before you can personally confirm it.

Twilight movies really aren’t very good?  Rumor confirmed.  If you enjoy the secret vice of this series, stick to the books.

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